Sheriff and Commissioner JC Bermudez aren’t amused
Finally, a Miami-Dade County branding opportunity that makes sense.
County officials are talking with Rockstar Games about turning pieces of Miami-Dade into a real-life Vice City to promote the November release of the ridiculously anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI.
Yes. Grand Theft Auto. The video game built around carjackings, criminal enterprises, government corruption, drug deals, police chases, obscene displays of wealth and people generally behaving very, very badly.
In Miami.
Ladra doesn’t know who came up with this idea. But give that person a raise.
Actually, don’t. This is Miami-Dade government. They’re probably already making $287,000 a year.
According to a pitch deck obtained by The Miamian through a public records request, Miami-Dade officials approached Rockstar Games with ideas 
for transforming county facilities and public spaces into Vice City art installations for the game’s launch.
Mayor Daniella Levine Cava‘s office confirmed the conversations.
“Nothing has been formally agreed to or approved,” mayoral spokesman Carlos Suarez told The Miamian, aka veteran Miami watchdog journalist Francisco Alvarado, adding that any proposal would still have to undergo the appropriate county review and approval.
But, he said, because of Miami-Dade’s obvious influence on the game, county officials see “a unique opportunity to generate revenue for the County while showcasing Miami-Dade to a massive audience.”
Showcasing Miami-Dade?
Has anyone from Rockstar watched a county commission or City of Miami meeting? Or a Bayfront Park Management Trust meeting? Because we may already be providing content for GTA VII.
Read related: Raul Miro resigns at Bayfront Park Management Trust as questions pile up
Sheriff Rosanna “Rosie” Cordero-Stutz and Miami-Dade Commissioner Juan Carlos “JC” Bermudez issued a joint statement Thursday expressing, well, it wasn’t excitement about the possibilities. Maybe they’re not big gamers.
Bermudez said the issue is not whether Grand Theft Auto VI will generate global attention for Miami-Dade, because, duh. The question, he said, is whether the County should use its public resources, facilities, and globally recognized brand to promote a fictional depiction of Miami centered on crime, violence, and lawlessness.
Key word: Fictional. Really?
“I still cannot believe that we are even considering temporarily rebranding important county assets, including Miami International Airport, as ‘Vice 
City Airport.’ Miami-Dade County has spent decades building a reputation as a world-class destination for tourism, business, investment, and opportunity,” Bermudez said. “We should be promoting the Miami-Dade we have worked so hard to build, not a fictional version of our community defined by crime and violence.”
He also wants to know exactly what conversations the county has been having with Rockstar Games — and, more importantly, what Miami-Dade taxpayers are supposed to get out of any deal, what it’s going to cost them and which county resources might be thrown into the bargain.
The sheriff was equally unimpressed.
“Grand Theft Auto is a video game franchise built around criminal activity,” Cordero-Stutz said. “Its fictional world includes murder, robbery, drug trafficking, carjacking, violence against law enforcement, and other conduct that the men and women of the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Office work every single day to prevent.
“At a time when law enforcement is working every day to reduce violent crime, prevent robberies and car thefts, combat drug trafficking, and build stronger relationships between our deputies and the communities we serve, I believe we need to seriously consider the message we send when our own government promotes a fictional identity centered around many of those same crimes.”
But c’mon, the whole thing does make a certain kind of beautiful, circular sense.
Rockstar took Miami — the palm trees, neon, Lamborghinis, pastel hotels, drug lore, bikini bodies, nightclubs, boats, scammers, traffic, alligators 
and general sense that at any moment somebody may drive a Ferrari into a Publix — exaggerated it into Vice City and sold it to millions of people.
Now Miami-Dade wants Rockstar to share the wealth.
It’s the circle of life.
Only with automatic weapons and stolen sports cars.
The latest Grand Theft Auto returns to Vice City and the fictional state of Leonida, which is basically Florida with the names changed to protect the guilty. And Rockstar didn’t exactly have to stretch very far for material.
At any given moment in Miami-Dade, something happens that sounds like a side mission.
A commissioner has a shouting match at a public meeting. Somebody gets caught paying fake “neighbors” to show up at a zoning hearing. A politician’s political committee gets a conveniently timed contribution. A Lamborghini blows through a red light on Brickell. A developer wants to put 37 stories where zoning allows four. Somebody’s uncle gets a county contract.
And Ladra hasn’t even gotten to Hialeah yet.
Read related: Fake neighbors? Lawyer: Coral Gables public speakers lied on where they live
MISSION UNLOCKED: Get the zoning change. Reward: +$4 million property value.
So, yeah, the partnership feels organic.
The county’s pitch deck apparently contains some spectacular possibilities.
At Miami International Airport, the county envisions an “immersive arrival experience” establishing Miami as the real-world inspiration for Vice 
City. The centerpiece could be an aircraft wrapped in Vice City branding.
There could also be GTA-inspired baggage claim areas, customized baggage carousels, wrapped columns, themed luggage carts, limited-edition luggage tags and coordinated airport signage.
Honestly, Rockstar doesn’t need to change much at MIA.
Spend 45 minutes circling for a gate, wait another hour for your suitcase and then fight three Uber drivers on the arrivals level. Achievement unlocked.
Then there’s transit.
The proposal contemplates wrapping Metromover cars in Vice City colors and logos and installing branded signage at Metromover and Metrorail stations including Government Center, Brickell and Bayfront Park.
This could be brilliant. Especially if the game designers add a mission where Lucia has to take Metrorail to Miami Beach.
She’ll be waiting a long time.
This is only a good idea if Rockstar funds the Metrorail expansion or the bus routes that the county says it has to cut this year.
Read related: Miami-Dade mayor unveils painful budget season 2, transportation cuts
The county also floated artist-designed utility-box wraps and even customized sewer and stormwater manhole covers downtown and in Brickell.
Vice City manhole covers. Now we’re talking.
Maybe Rockstar can sponsor some actual stormwater improvements while they’re at it.
Call the mission Flooded Again. Objective: Get from Brickell Avenue to your condo without destroying your transmission.
Difficulty: Extreme.
At PortMiami, the proposal reportedly includes a huge installation inspired by Port Gellhorn, with shipping containers, cranes, cruise ships and the 
working waterfront incorporated into the design. Perfect.
Although Ladra has another idea. Maybe include a fuel depot.
Too soon?
The Port has already given Miami-Dade enough political intrigue, resignations, real-estate maneuvering and government drama to fill an expansion pack. Grand Theft Auto VI: Fisher Island Edition.
Now that’s downloadable content.
Read related: Miami fuel depot fiasco didn’t start at County Hall; it started on Fisher Island
Another proposal would put a Vice City-inspired photo frame, sculpture, shaded overlook or public-art installation at Rickenbacker Beach incorporating Biscayne Bay, palm trees, cyclists, boats and sunsets.
Very Instagrammable.
Though for the authentic Miami experience, the installation should include somebody demanding $27 to park.
And perhaps Rockstar could sponsor a pothole. Naming rights!
The county proposes a “family-appropriate” celebration of Miami car culture at Tropical Park with classic cars, lowriders, motorcycles, DJs, food 
vendors, artists and GTA-themed photo installations. This may be Ladra’s favorite possibility: A family-appropriate Grand Theft Auto event.
That’s adorable. Bring abuela. Take photos with the lowriders. Eat croquetas.
Then go home and play the game where the basic premise involves committing felonies.
Only in Miami.
A better public benefit proposed is a “Vice City Radio Lab” at the main library that “gives the community access to recording, editing, and digital-media equipment. The space could support music production, podcasting, oral histories, neighborhood storytelling, sound engineering, video-game development, and other creative programming, while reflecting the central role that music and radio play in the GTA experience.”
Of course, there is a legitimate public-policy question buried underneath all the fun. The county would be using — or leasing — public facilities and 
public spaces to help market one of the biggest commercial entertainment products on the planet.
So we need to know the money.
How much would Rockstar pay Miami-Dade? Who pays for the installations? How long would they stay? Would any improvements remain after the advertising disappears? What county approvals are required? And exactly how much is a Vice City-wrapped Metromover worth?
Those questions matter because Suarez says the attraction for Miami-Dade isn’t merely being cool enough to hang out with Rockstar. It’s revenue.
Good. Make them pay.
This is a franchise that has made billions from a fictionalized Miami for decades. Miami-Dade should not be giving away MIA, PortMiami, transit stations and waterfront property because somebody offered commissioners a limited-edition GTA hoodie.
Rockstar wants the real Vice City? Fine. Welcome home. But there’s a licensing fee.
Perhaps the funniest part of all this is that Grand Theft Auto VI — which has scenes that are very much Miami — is supposed to be an outrageous satire of Florida. Rockstar describes its fictional world as “the darkest side of the sunniest place in America.”
Except anybody who has covered Miami politics long enough knows the problem.
How do you parody us?
Seriously.
What are they going to invent?
Politicians taking money from developers? Government contracts going to connected people? Luxury towers approved over screaming neighbors? Fake residents at public hearings? Public officials getting into fights? People stealing cars? Florida Man?
Please.
That’s Tuesday.
Rockstar may have created Vice City.
But Miami-Dade has been beta-testing it for years.
This kind of independent, government watchdog reporting is crucial to transparency and democracy. And more so every day. Help shine a light on the darker corners of our community with a contribution to Political Cortadito. Click here. Ladra thanks you for your support.
Miami-Dade could mimic real-life Vice City for Grand Theft Auto VI launch added by Ladra on
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