Miami Bull is exactly what absentee Mayor Francis Suarez has been selling

The image could not be more poetically appropriate.

Here he was, the fabulous Mayor Francis Suarez of Miami, standing in front of TV cameras and the world, perfectly manicured eyebrows in place, fancy Bitcoin branded sneakers on like a rock star rapper, calling our city the capital of capital and the future of finance — while making strong man poses for a gazillion photos with a shiny, 11-foot, 3,000-pound metal bull.

Because that’s what everything he says is: Big, shiny bull.

The Miami Bitcoin Bull sculpture, made to look like a robotic version of Wall Street’s original, was unveiled last week to celebrate Miami Tech Month and the city’s new brand as Silicone Beach. But it may as well have been a campaign event for Suarez, who has basically abandoned Miami residents for his celebrity status, which helped him raise $6 million for a non-race last year.

Nevermind that the value of Miami Coin, which he said would fund city projects, has dropped like an iguana from a pine tree in January. That kind of truth just gets in the way of a good backstory.

Today, perhaps with helpful shape-shifting magic by former congressman Carlos Curbelo, there are two versions of Francis Suarez. There is the Forbes magazine version, the Baby X 2.0 crypto-promoting national darling who took his history-making COVID quarantine to the national spotlight and followed that up with a lucky, late-night tweet. He is a stud in the political world. Young, hungry and full of promise.

His new mission, apparently, is getting buddy Elon Musk to move here,

And then there’s the postalita absentee municipal mayor, part of a political dynasty, who has disappointed even his staunchest supporters and lots of abuelitos — las malas lenguas say Papi X is even unhappy — by selling out our public golf course and becoming uninterested in anything that is not tech-related. He has checked out of the rest of his job.

That’s why he was completely silent and missing on the redistricting process that saw hundreds of Coconut Grove residents come to City Hall over and over again to beg to be kept whole. That’s why he said nada while the former police chief he recruited was run out of town and Commissioner Alex Diaz de la Portilla raided the Omni Community Redevelopment Agency.

Suarez has sold out his constituents by shrugging his shoulders and letting the Three Amigos rule.

Can you blame him? Just a couple of years ago, Baby X was constantly getting bitch-slapped by Commissioner Joe Carollo, who brought up the conflict between his job as a crypto lawyer and his gig as the city’s crypto salesman and his 24-hour security detail at taxpayer expense. At one public meeting, he basically begged Carollo to show him some respect.

Makes one miss Mayor Tomas Regalado. Despite the make-up he got used to from being on TV, Regalado was real. Some called him the pothole mayor because he was involved in so much minutia. People could reach him. Regalado was a regular at commission meetings, making his argument for his city. He actually cared about the people who he represented.

The people who Suarez represents know he’d rather be with someone else.

Don’t get Ladra wrong. It is great to see Miami leading in this space, finally getting the props we have deserved for so long. But Bitcoin didn’t make Miami. And, unfortunately, it seems this effort is creating two versions of Miami — one for those watching the hottest city in the U.S. from the outside and those of us cooking inside it.

Because those fabulous tourists celebrating tech in Miami this month are just that — tourists. They only know the first Suarez. If he convinces them to move here, they’ll feel his cold shoulder the same way.

Because they have no idea yet what it’s like to live here, to pay rent here, to drive here, or to take “public transit” here, or to vote here. They have no idea what it’s like to participate in the democratic process here. Ladra would bet that not one of these enlightened, modern tech tourists have been to a public meeting at the county or city to see how our electeds berate and betray the taxpaying public while Suarez sips on the trendiest sambuca with millennial millionaires.

It’s pure bull. Big bull. Bull on steroids. Shiny bull with glowing blue eyes.

Has everyone seen the Because Miami meme video with the bull sculpture actually dropping a cartoon turd? It would be funny if it weren’t such an accurate picture of our local government.

Francis Suarez, Miami politics

Miami Bull is exactly what absentee Mayor Francis Suarez has been selling added by Ladra on April 10, 2022
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