Tales from Tallahasee: Quick observations from Dade Days

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First in a series.

Ladra likes Tallahassee.

Sure, the air might smell something that can only be described as a mix between cigar smoke and bullshit, but the sense of urgency and the presence of historic importance — past, present and future — is almost palpable.

And the pace! The rapid fire pace that everyone keeps makes me look almost slow. Ladra felt right at home.

Even, maybe especially, in the galleries in the Senate and House of Representatives’ chambers. Okay, I also thoroughly enjoyed the candid chitchat in the elevators of the House Office building. Hate to admit it was my first time there and, yes, I felt a little like a guajirita. Call me a late bloomer. Better late than never. And I can say this: It won’t be my last time. (Yes, electeds, I’ll be back.)

The visit to the Senate chamber was short. Because after almost an hour of watching them pass everything 40-0 without any debate, Senate President Don Gaetz begins to sound a little like an auctioneer and it gets a little boring. I did miss the internet cafe debate, unfortunately, because I had left to drop in on the House and got there right in time for the parent trigger bill debate, which was heated and full of misdirection.

And State Rep. Carlos Trujillo (R-District 1-05), Ladra’s short-lived hero for his words on the Dolphins stadium and anti-maquinita bill, has fallen from grace. Shame on you for that “Capitalism vs. Socialism” line. Really? You are the only one I heard make it about that. (More on that later).

The one thing I will add now about that vote is that Dems loudly cheered when it passed 68-51. Not because they were glad it passed, but because there were several Reps who voted against it, pointing at a possible defeat in the end or a possible Governor’s veto in the session that preceeds what promises to be a contentious election year.

That is one of the more important things I will get back to, as well as the conversations and background gunning on the FRS (state retirement) bill and the interesting people from north of the 305 that Ladra connected with.

But so much was crammed into the three action-packed and alcohol-drenched Dade Days that I’m still putting my arms around it so Ladra is going to first fire off some quick observations:

• Dentists, identifyable by their big green pins asking to be kept out of some healthcare bill, probably have the biggest PAC or delegation of lobbyists/advocates Ladra saw in three days.

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  All of the real business gets done about a block from the capitol building at Andrews Bar and Grill and next door at Clydes.

• State Rep. Kionne McGhee (D-District 117) has the coolest office in the House: He turned his desk against the window to form a living room for his guests. “I came in here and the first thing I see is that block. It’s like a barrier between you and the people. I didn’t like,” he said. But Ladra likes him. Lots. (More on that later).
• State Rep. Frank Artiles (R-District 118) hates firefighters. “Their jobs are ridiculous. They hardly fight fires. They are paid $150,000 a year and they work 24 hours on and 48 off.” I asked him to show me what firefighters get those salaries, claiming that it is either the high paid administrators in cahoots with the electeds or the firefighters who worked hundreds of hours OT after Hurricane Wilma. I also explained that firefighters save countless of his constituents’ lives because they also answer paramedic calls, which have increased dramatically — at least in urban areas — over the last several years, while their salaries and benefits have been slashed by sleazy and selfish politicians who blame them for deficits while they raid the coffers for their friends with stadiums and charter schools and no-bid contracts. Of course, there is recent history here. Artiles admitted that firefighters unions had mailed six mailers against Central Florida Republicans. “They went after my boys.”

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  State Rep. David Richardson (D-District 113) might have the coolest view of downtown Tallahasee from his 9th floor apartment on Monroe. He did have one of the coolest parties, where both blue and red lawmakers, including State Reps. Jeanette Nunez (R-District 119) and Eric Fresen (R-District 114) — though, as designated “Switzerland” in the House, Fresen may not count — stopped by for a drink or a bite of Joe’s Stone Crabs, flown in for the ocassion and gone fast.

• State Rep. Eddy “Here Comes Hialeah” Gonzalez(R-District 111) has his roast pork cooked in the state capitol but imports his Cuban coffee from Miami courtesy of Victor Riobueno, of Father and Son Cafe. Inside story: Gonzalez got his cafecito fix from the Father half for years, until one year dad said that he couldn’t make it but would send his son. When the State Rep. saw Victor, he recognized him — from Lamaze classes years before. Which was only one case in which Miami’s small world transported itself to Tallahassee this week.

  

• State Rep. Jose “Cigar Czar” Oliva (R-Miami Lakes) hires pretty, young, scantily-dressed women to push his fat, foreign-made cancer sticks.

• State Rep. Jose Javier Rodriguez (D-Little Havana) looks even mas flaco in a white guayabera, which seemed like part of the Dade Days dress code, and talks more on the floor than any place else, which is not tons.
• Political Consultant in the making David Guzman cannot hold his liquor — or his tongue.

• Former State Rep. Marcelo Llorente and Gonzalez, the Miami-Dade Delegation chair, make excellent umpires.
• Hialeah Mayor Carlos “Castro” Hernandez and Council Members Katherine Cue, Luis Gonzalez and Isis “Gavelgirl” Garcia-Martinez — as well as a trimmer Arnie Alonso, the mayor’s chief enforcer, who said loves that job description and that he lost 60 pounds — were refreshingly but suspiciously nice to Ladra, proving only that they can behave outside of the City of Retrogress. I asked Gavelgirl and Alonso not to have me kicked out until I had made the rounds a little, you know, to give me 45 minutes or so. “We have no jurisdiction here,” Garcia-Martinez joked back. She does have a sense of humor. Gavelgirl even had a photo taken with me which she told me she had posted on facebook. Ladra can’t confirm. She has not accepted my friend request. But she and Cue — who I only saw wear red once— graciously stood with me for a photo at the Dade Days parting luncheon where Gonzalez, outgoing Miami-Dade Leauge of Cities president, got the Russ Marchner Award for “Outstanding Municipal Official Service.” For what, exactly? Not sure.

  

• The Dade Days luncheon is a soft-pitch roast where documentary filmmaker Billy Corben, of Miami’s Cocaine Cowboy fame, awarded the arts award and made the best (read: funniest) introductory roast/speech that dissed the “important” work that legislators were toiling on against “the nefarious 64-ounce beer can” and in favor of needy billionaire sports team owners who want public funding for their private stadiums. He seemed to have mixed feelings about the luncheon. “I’d rather be at the Marlins Stadium sitting between Norman Braman and Ron Book getting a root canal from Mayor Matti Bower.” Well, who on Earth wouldn’t?
• Political consultant Bob Levy — whose staff put the whole week together and is already working on next year’s Dade Days — has waaaaaay more campaign pins than I. His Tallahassee office is a political junkie’s dream. “When the majority changes, I move everything of the minority party to the back,” Levy told me in the lobby filled with framed

  

  newsclips from his decades of campaigns and snapshots and memorabilia like photos of Ronald Reagan and Mohammed Ali or George Bush with a bevy of celebrities. He said that McGhee told him his office walls were bare — the state rep told Ladra he did not feel right hanging his awards and degrees. So Levy gave him a collection of Bill Clinton letters and photos that McGhee has on his “Clinton wall.”

Ladra is sure we missed some gems. I’m telling you, those three days were a whirlwind. And we might bring something back up if I remember — or you remind me.

Meanwhile, for a few more photos — yes, with director commentary — go to Political Cortadito’s facebook page album.