Ladra can’t believe she dragged herself out of her deathbed for this: The first congressional 
primary debate for the five Republican candidates in District 26, one of the closest watched races in the country, was so boring that even the presence of former Congressman David “King Nine Lives” Rivera couldn’t bring it to life.
Rivera, who had not confirmed and was not expected to show up Monday (until the rules changed late Friday and he knew that no hardball questions would be asked), did add a little statesmanship to the discourse and a little rockstar celebrity for the media, but even he could not save this borefest from itself.
It seems ludicrous to have a primary debate — forum, really, since there was no back and forth — on the issues when these guys all sound pretty much the same.
They all say that Florida is putting too much in and getting too little out of the flood insurance pool. They would all repeal 
Obamacare. They all support some kind of tax reform. They would all adjust the Cuban Adjustment Act, even though Rivera is the one that got that ball rolling in 2011, even recognized as a leader on that by former Miami-Dade Commissioner Joe Martinez, one of the candidates. They all think that immigration is broken.
Oh, and they all have one common enemy: Congressman Joe Garcia, who snagged the seat from Rivera in 2012 as the latter was dogged by allegations that he had planted a Democrat in the primary to attack Garcia.
“Our quest united here is to beat Joe Garcia,” said constitutional attorney Larry Starbuck Palomares, the longest shot candidate and the campaign trail’s comic relief.
“We have to remember who our opponent is: Joe Garcia,” said Miami-Dade School Board Member Carlos Curbelo, who repeatedly called Garcia “one of the most corrupt” members of Congress, hammering again on what his campaign message is going to be.
“There is one prime directive here and that is to defeat Joe Garcia,” Martinez said.
Um, well, maybe. But you guys weren’t debating Garcia. And you did little to set yourselves apart from each other.
Okay, okay… besides their shared obsession with Garcia, there were a few stark differences here and there, if not in the message, in the delivery. And, since we were at a public university, I think it’s only fair for the candidates to receive grades on their performances.
- Palomares is the only one who outright flunks out. Not just because he was the only one to defend the IRS. Maybe he should get points for effort, though he sounded a lot like the class clown. Nobody is taking him seriously anymore. And I am talking about the cuatro gatos who used to take him seriously. Ladra spoke to one of his “supporters” at the end of the night. She is voting for Rivera.
- Martinez seemed to wander with his answers, never really got any traction on an issue and failed to complete his sentences or thought processes — even though the 90-second window seemed ridiculously short for some of the answers that the moderator wanted. Joe just didn’t study for this quiz. He gets a C minus — but he could have gotten a D if Ladra had caught him letting Rivera cheat off his paper.
- Cutler Bay Mayor Ed MacDougall, the former Vietnam vet and former cop who started his own multi-million business, talked too much about himself, rather than what he believed in. He is the Forrest Gump of the bunch, having traveled the country on his motorcycle and talking to 12,000 voters (yeah, the 12,000 anglo voters who won’t make a dent on election day). But he gets a B for having some of the smartest moments. You know, that unexpected Gump genius. One was when he pulled out a piece of paper folded to postcard size and said that that is what we should all be filling out come tax time. The old, white guy was the most animated on the panel of talking heads. The other break-out moment was when he followed the closing statements made by Curbelo, who crowed about how he brought efficiency to the school board. Yeah, MacDougall reminded him, and a $1.2 billion tax increase in the form of a bond really helps efficiency, too.
- Curbelo gets a B because his answers seemed the most risky and the most from his heart, even if they did sound a little rehearsed. He said he supported the Dreamers legislation that would provide a path to citizenship for youngsters who came to this country as minors and grew up here. And he was the most passionate about sanctions against Venezuela, being bold enough to tell the packed Graham Center that President Barack Obama simply doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the students being killed in Caracas. My words, not his. His were “Obama doesn’t care.” Maybe it should be a B minus because, as the nerd and teacher’s kiss-ass who sits in the front of the room, we expected better.
- Rivera is the only one who gets an A. Not just because he seemed like the incumbent already, knowledgable and statesmanlike — one woman said he had the “upper classman sort of edge” — but also because he was able to sit through a two-hour grilling without
having one scandal question raised. Of course, Ladra thinks this was why the rules changed at the last minute — to accommodate him. There was not a word about the investigations into his multiple alleged ethical lapses, his trips to Nicaragua to visit Republican bad girl Ana Alliegro, his $130,000-in-the-hole upside down campaign account or some old ethical violations he was accused of earlier this month from his time in the state House which voters do not care about at all. (He did address those later with the Miami Herald reporter after she hounded him for about 15 minutes on those issues, saying he was glad that a majority of the ethics violations were dismissed). On debate questions, Rivera had some of the most complete answers — with dates and names that show he’s walked the walk. And he actually had the foresight to find a way to bring up the names and praise — not once, but twice — Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen and Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart, two local Republican gods. They endorsed Curbelo, but you wouldn’t know it from the debate. David also found a way to drop the name of Sen. Marco Rubio, who is like Zeus in that crowd. The man knows what he is doing.
The debate itself, which should really not be called that, was the biggest disappointment of all. I would give the Women’s Federated Club not just an F, but also a detention for changing the rules at the last minute on Friday so that none of the candidates got to ask questions of any other candidates — which would have really jazzed things up a little, even if it meant that Rivera would have stayed home.
Moderator Glenna Milberg, a WPLG Local 10 veteran reporter, seemed disappointed also that “there are a couple of 800-pound gorillas in the room, questions that I would be asking as a journalist that I will not be asking tonight,” she said.
That’s too bad. It would have elevated the grading curve and everyone would have done better.
First congressional primary ‘debate’ a dud, even with Rivera added by Ladra on
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